Call Me
by Kathryn Rayner Of Voyager
Summary: Started out as another story on my Wordpress story blog, and managed to some up with this as well. Really don't know how to describe, just read.
1. Chapter 1

_Call me a sinner, call me a saint_

_Tell me it's over, I'll still love you the same_

_Call me your favourite_

_Call me the worst_

_Tell me it's over, I don't want you to hurt_

_It's all that I can say_

_So I'll be on my way_

_I finally put it all together, nothing really lasts forever_

_I had to make a choice that was not mine_

_I had to say goodbye for the last time_

_I put my life in a suit case_

_Never really stayed in one place_

_Maybe that's the way it should be_

_You know I've lived my life like a gypsy_

_I've said it so many times_

_I would change my ways, no never mind_

_God knows I tried!_

__I used to think that you loved me. I thought that you would wait for me, if you truly loved me. But you didn't, you found someone else. Please, tell me what happened to us, Chakotay? Did I push you away for too long? Did I wait too long to tell you how I felt?

When the Admiral came aboard and told me all about you and Seven, I was angry, sad . . . and ashamed. I was angry at you because you hadn't told me yourself, and that I'd had to hear it from someone else. Sad because you had moved on, found someone else, learned to love again. Ashamed of what I'd done to you over the last seven years - pushing you away when I needed comfort the most, taking you for granted, never telling you that there might be some hope for a future between us.

But what hurt the most is the fact that you hadn't even told B'Elanna. I knew you were close with her, and that she was the one you told all of your secrets too. I know I pushed you away harder than ever after Quarra, but I really did want to make things up to you. So when you turned me down again and again and not even B'Elanna knew why, that is what hurt the most.

What happened Chakotay? Where did all that trust go? I know you have no reason to ever talk to me again, that you probably hate me forever for what I've done, and that you'll never believe me when I say that I do love you, when did you let something that happened between us, affect things between you and those closest to you in the crew?

I love you Chakotay, and I wanted to change for you, so that I might one day be good enough for you. But no mater how hard I tried I couldn't change. Maybe you were right to move on. Maybe I never will be good enough for you, and you saw that in me. Is that why you moved on?

Is that why you chose Seven? Because in so many ways she is like me, but with all the bad things removed and replaced with things that make her perfect?


	2. Chapter 2

_Don't you see me on my hands and knees?_

_Begging and bleeding_

_You smile as you bite the hand that feeds_

_That way you'll not forsee_

_Always watching what your eyes can't see_

_Feeling what your arms can't reach_

_Thinking you are in need_

_Always hearing what your ears can't hear_

_Feeling what your arms can't touch_

_Thinking you are incomplete_

_It was never enough that I gave you_

_All of the horror you've put me through_

_But I cannot make up my mind this time_

_This is where I will draw the line_

I'm sorry Kathryn. I lost hope for you, for me, for . . . us. I know how you feared that High Command wouldn't be able to trust your judgement about the Maquis if we were involved when we arrived home, and if we had been taken to court like we hoped we wouldn't when we arrived home, then you probably would've been court martialed and stripped of your rank, position and job alongside the rest of us.

That's why I never pushed you. When you told me of your past, I knew that Starfleet was very much a part of you, and by taking away that part of you that was Starfleet, it just wouldn't be right. The Captain was as much a part of you as Kathryn was, and your ability to go from one to the other in a matter of seconds always amazed me. I loved seeing how you only seemed to trust me with the part of that was the woman and not the Captain, and I loved her as much as I loved the Captain.

I loved to spend my time with you Kathryn. All those other women, they never meant anything to me. They were just someone I could sleep with when the need for a warm body in my bed became too great for me to handle on my own, and screamed to be satisfied.

I don't know what all those other men meant to you Kathryn, and I doubt that I will ever find out now, after what I've done to you. But I know that under that strong, unbreakable outer shell everyone calls the Captain, you are human, and you yearned for love too.

Sometimes, I wonder what I meant to you. Did you really think that there could be a future for us once we returned home? Would it have happened had it not been for Seven? Did you know that she paled in comparison to you, that she could fill the void left behind by you?


	3. Chapter 3

**Tuvok's POV**

I watched the Capatin and Chakotay drift apart after we were rescued from Quarra. I remember that one evening not long after our rescue, after our memories had restored themselves, that she came to talk to me. She told me about how she had fallen into what she had believed at the time to be love, and that, while on Quarra, she had felt so free and unrestrained.

I have known Kathryn Janeway a very long time. I was friends with her father, and knew her when she was in the Academy. I remember when she lost her father and her fiancee in a shuttle crash. I believe that, along with her fear of being unable to keep the ex-Maquis crewmembers out of prison upon our return to the Alpha Quadrant, Kathryn Janeway was scared of losing someone she loved. I have watched her lose her father, and essentially two fiancees - one to death, and another to another women.

I believe that down there on the surface, Kathryn had not been a victim to the stress and emotional trauma that she has experienced here on the ship, and that she then allowed herself to love someone, and that, upon returning to the ship, made her feel as if she had betrayed Commander Chakotay. I watched her struggle through her emotional conflict for several months after returning to the ship, which in turn, seemed to heavily affect the Commander.

Over the years, I have watched them become close, possibly even managing to achieve a level of familiarity and intimacy that several lovers never manage to acquire in a lifetime. After studying human behaviour for several years, I have come to an understanding that the Captain wanted to be able to have her emotions clear to herself before she tried to discuss them with the Commander or another member of the crew, and had only just managed to have done so by the time the Commander's activities with Seven of Nine came to light.

I believe that this hurt her very deeply, and thus led to her sudden and rapid disappearance from our company once Starfleet briefings were over.


	4. Chapter 4

**B'Elanna's POV**

I never thought two people could be so clueless to each other's feelings. For years, Chakotay walked around with his heart on his sleeve, and then suddenly, Bam!, as soon as the crew is rescued from Quarra, he shoots himself in the foot and wanders off with Seven.

I know that the Captain became involved with someone while down on the surface, and that probably contributed to how _she_ ended up wearing _her_ heart on her sleeve after that. I remember overhearing part of a conversation that the Captain was having with Tuvok in the Mess Hall one day - it wasn't entirely my fault, Tom was doing it first - when I heard the Captain mention how wonderful it had been to not have all that responsibility for once - not having to worry about nearly 150 other lives, ships maintenance, crew morale (which dropped rapidly after Neelix left) and everything else.

Reasoning says that if I heard the Captain correctly that day, then she was most likely emotionally confused and disorientated, and needed time to sort out what was going through her head.

And then Chakotay suddenly seems to be dating Seven of Nine out of nowhere. What a coincedence.

I remember going down to the Mess Hall during the night once because I couldn't sleep. I knew that many of the crew had done it one occasion or another to sit under the stars and watch them fly past until they felt the hands of sleep grip them again.

It was maybe two or three days after the Admiral had arrived. And when I got to the Mess Hall, I found the Captain sitting under the stars with a cold mug of coffee, crying her eyes out. And that's when I found out about Chakotay and Seven.

Now, the Captain and I have never been particularly close. At the start, I absolutely despised her, and while that faded over the years, we were never particularly close. But sitting there under the stars that night, seeing my Captain look goddamn heartbroken and depressed - and with a possible way home in our future as well - I felt sad for her, and mad at Chakotay, not only for breaking her heart, but for breaking her heart with Seven - and for not telling me.

I know that neither of them are all that innocent when it comes to breaking each other's hearts over the years - they've both had their fair share of 'affairs' with alien races, but I honestly believe that the Captain was right for running away after the Starfleet briefings. It's unlikely that she'd get over him, but she did a good thing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Tom's POV**

Well. That's something I never saw coming. Chakotay and Seven. Wow.

Yeah, sure, Seven has some great assets and is physically quite pretty, but really? Her personality is just about 0 if you were to rate it on a scale of 0 to 10, and yeah, sure she's smart and pretty, but she has no sense of humor, doesn't like loosing and is still part machine.

That is going to be something the Captain will probably never get over. Yeah, sure they've had affairs, or whatever you want to call them, before, but nothing as bad as this.

If they're ever get together (which I hope that one day they do), they're going to need some serious relationship counselling.


	6. Chapter 6

_My eyes are wide open_

_By the way_

_I made it through the day_

_I watch the world outside_

_By the way_

_I'm leaving out today_

_I just saw Hayley's comet, shooting_

_She waved, said, "Why are you always running in place?"_

_Even the man in the moon disappeared_

_Somewhere in the stratosphere_

Things are . . . different now. After we returned home and briefings ended, I resigned from Starfleet and ran from everything I've ever known. It no longer seemed to matter any more. For seven years, I had something to look forward to pending our return, only to have those dreams pulled out from under me within a matter of days before we broke out in the Alpha Quadrant.

I went to the Welcome Home ball that Starfleet held for us. It hurt to see Chakotay there with anyone else, but it hurt more than anything to see him with Seven. I was there for as little time as possible before I left. I ran to Indiana and spent a few weeks there before I packed up for a second time and left once again.

It hurt too much to stay. Everything reminded me of him. I couldn't take it. All those nights dreaming of what we could've had together, only to find that the reality I found here at home hurt a lot more than anything I'd ever experienced in the Delta Quadrant. I would go back and do it all again if it only meant that the pain would go away.

I was never much of a traveller as a kid, but after seven years in the Delta Quadrant, travelling felt like second nature. I got to see the world and the Alpha Quadrant in a way I'd never seen them before.


	7. Chapter 7

_Listen up!_

_There's not a moment to spare_

_It's quite a drop_

_From the top_

_So how you feeling down there_

_It's a cold, cruel, harsh reality_

_Caught, stuck, here with your enemies_

_Who do you think you are?_

_Tearing us all apart_

_Where did you think you could go?_

_'Cause everyone already knows_

_It's twenty to one_

_Yeah, so you better run_

I thought I had everything. Once.

For years, I wanted to flush Seven out of the airlock. So when did I want to start dating her?

It could never have worked, even if we hadn't returned to the Alpha Quadrant. She would've found someone she liked better than me sooner or later. And with a whole quadrant to choose from, she dumped me the day after the Welcome Home ball.

I had it coming, I guess.

I saw how hurt Kathryn was when she found out about Seven, and I relished in seeing her pain. But it went too far, it got out of hand. The people who once stood behind me in support as my friends, now they all stand behind Kathryn.

What happens now?

First - make up with B'Elanna. Then, I can work out how to find Kathryn.


	8. Chapter 8

_Love hurts, love scars_

_Love wounds and mars_

_Any heart not strong_

_Or tough enough_

_To take a lot of pain_

_Take a lot of pain_

_Love is like a cloud_

_And it holds a lot of rain_

_Love hurts, ooh, love hurts_

All this pain I've been feeling, it's made me become so numb to the world. I don't feel pleasure or pain at the things that I used to, and only my friends from Voyager and my family can make me feel even slightly happy now, but the happiness I felt when I stood by his side has long since become a dream. A dream that has been haunting me every night for the last three months.

I am onboard the Enterprise, heading for Remus. Captain Picard is an old friend of mine, and in return for a favour I once gave to him, he asked me to come help with peace negotiations, although I told him that I doubt my ability to be able to help him. I doubt my ability to do anything without Chakotay by my side.

His crew is nice enough, and I was welcomed by many, including Tom, B'Elanna and Miral, who are all not part of the Enterprise crew - Tom as First Officer, and B'Elanna as a member of the Engineering crew. But it was strange, being onboard a ship like the Enterprise and not being in command, not having Chakotay by my side.

Thinking about him makes my heart ache in ways that I didn't know possible, but without the distraction of command in place for me and no way of entertainment that seems to appeal to me anymore, he occupies my thoughts more than ever.

My ability to hide the pain of his betrayal has weakened, but still, Tom and B'Elanna are the only ones to see my suffering.

**Lyrics: Joan Jett - Love Hurts**


	9. Chapter 9

_Memory_

_All alone in the moonlight_

_I can smile at your days_

_Life was beautiful then_

_I remember the time I knew what happiness is_

_Let the memory live again_

_Every street lamp seems to beat_

_A fatalistic warning_

_Someone mutters and the streetlamp gutters_

_And soon it will be morning_

_Daylight_

_I must wait for the sunrise_

_I must think of a new life_

_And I mustn't give in_

_When the dawn comes_

_Tonight will be a memory too_

_And a new day will begin_

A tiny shuttlecraft is all I have. I have reason to believe that Kathryn is aboard the Enterprise, heading for the peace negotiations on Remus. I hope it's true.

I still remember how I felt when I watched Kathryn smile, heard her laughter, the feel of her hand in mind, the smell of her shampoo. I was truly happy then. With Seven, I was . . . mildly content, but I could never have been happy. What I had with Kathryn - that was true happiness.

The shuttlecraft is on autopilot, leaving me to sit back and watch the stars as they pass by at Warp 6. I let my thoughts wander to those last few months of Voyager. Now, looking back, I realise that Kathryn pushed me away out of confusion - like she always did when something was affecting her deeply, or she couldn't work something out.. That's one of the many things that I found that I love her for - she had to have everything clear in her own head before she talked to someone else about it.

What happened between us to make me think that something I knew her to do so well was really rejection? And why did I run away at the last moment, find someone to replace her just as she was about to come back to me?

I hope that when I see her again, I will have the answers for her that she needs to hear.

**Lyrics: Cats the Musical/Epica - Memory**


	10. Chapter 10

_What about love_

_Don't you want someone to care about you_

_What about love_

_Don't let it slip away_

_What about love_

_I only wanted to share it with you_

_You might need it some day_

Kathryn stood next to the view ports in the observation lounge, leaning against the wall as she looked out at the familiar stars of the Alpha Quadrant, a cold mug of coffee sitting unnoticed on the table closest to her. The room was empty apart from her, the lights down low. This is what she had fought for for so long - to see the stars of her own Quadrant again.

Happiness. Love.

Both of them were something that she felt like she didn't deserve, especially during the first few years on Voyager. She had blamed herself for so long for what she had decided to do - she'd blamed herself for destroying the Caretaker's Array, and subsequently, everything that happened after that. But slowly, the pain grew numbed and she had allowed herself to believe that she was allowed to experience some form of happiness. But it was only in Chakotay's presence that she could convince herself of this.

_What was it about him that made her feel the way she did when ever she thought about him, saw him, talked to him, was near him?_

She had pushed him away out of fear. Out of fear that things wouldn't work out, that she wouldn't be able to keep him and herself out of prison when they returned home, of not being able to send him on away missions.

She was scared of being rejected.

She was scared of being loved.

Scared of losing him.

To death.

Or another women.

Or that he simply no longer loved her.

Because she had been too late.

She leaned against the glass, resting her forehead against it. She closed her eyes as she listened to the humming of the ship that was so much larger than her own, feeling the vibrating of the engines flow through her being. She took in a deep breath and blew it out slowly, misting up the glass in front of her.

"I love you Chakotay. I wanted to let you in so badly," she whispered to herself in the darkness. "But I did I push you too far? Did I make you wait too long for me?" She opened her eyes and looked up at the stars she could see through the view port above her head. "Would you have stayed beside me if I'd told you something sooner?"

**Lyrics: Heart - What About Love**


	11. Chapter 11

Guinan watched the ex-Starfleet Captain from behind the bar. The ex-Captain had been stood by the view port in complete darkness looking out at the stars when she had arrived. There was a sad, distant air that the Captain had carried about her since she had arrived on board.

As the unofficial counselor onboard the Enterprise until a new counselor could be assigned, Guinan had been there to meet Kathryn Janeway when she came onboard, and had taken the chance to watch and study the Captain.

She often came to the Observation Lounge and stood as she was now; alone, in darkness, by the view port, watching the stars pass by as she leaned against the glass, lost in her own thoughts. Sometimes she cried, sometimes she talked to herself.

They were only a few days away from Remus, and despite being Starfleet's Golden Girl and the best diplomat they currently had, Guinan knew something was wrong.

She watched the Captain a little longer before she slowly approached the Captain with a fresh mug of coffee; through observation, she had come to know that the good Captain rarely drank the one she replicated when she entered the Lounge to mope.

"Captain?" Kathryn Janeway jumped, startled. She looked hazily at Guinan, confused by the shadow standing beside her. Silently, Guinan held out the fresh mug of coffee to her, which she took equally as silently, nodding sadly in thanks, turning her eyes back the stars as she held the mug in her hands, absorbing its warmth into her suddenly freezing, trembling body.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Slowly, she shook her head, but began to talk anyway.

"I don't know if I can do this," she whispered, "I don't think I can do this without Chakotay."


	12. Chapter 12

_Ever felt away with me_

_Just once is all I need_

_Entwined in finding you one day_

_My love, it lies so deep_

_Ever dream of me_

_Would you do it with me_

_Heal the scars and change the stars_

_Would you do it for me_

_Turn loose the heaven within_

A few more days. That was the only thing between him and Kathryn . . . apart from several more thousand light years of stars and dark, black, empty space. Chakotay looked over ships systems one more time before he leaned back in his chair. He drew in a deep breath and released it slowly to help relax his muscles before he got up and went to the bag of the shuttle. He sat down on the cot and reached into the duffel bag that carried his stuff and pulled out the framed holophoto from the top.

It was an old holophoto of Kathryn and him, taken at the Christmas party of their forth year in the Delta Quadrant. They stood together by the view port, his arm around her waist. Her head was resting against his shoulder, and both of them were smiling contently at the camera. Both had a half full glass of non-synthenol red wine in hand.

Chakotay touched Kathryn's face in the picture, and smiled, his heart aching as he remembered that party. She had been so happy, so free.

Or so he thought.

A single tear fell, landing on the photo and running down until it met the frame, where it slowly climbed and trickled over the carefully carved frame.

"Oh Kathryn," he whispered sadly, "will you ever be able to take me back?"

He sat there for how long he didn't know, staring at the picture and crying silently, remembering everything he loved about the woman that held onto his heart. He looked up and over towards the front of the shuttle, looking out of the view screen as he pressed the picture to his chest. For a while he sat there, lonely and sat.

But when a small dot appeared on a view screen, and the red warning lights started flashing and the beacon sirens started screeching, he jumped up and ran to the front of the shuttle to try and stop the systems from failing and sending him into oblivion in the middle of space.

As his shuttle hurtled towards the nearest M-class planet, he had just enough time to release a desperate distress beacon into space before he shot through the atmosphere and crashed on the surface.

He never saw how the framed photo shattered when he dropped it on the floor.

**Lyrics: Nightwish - Ever Dream**


	13. Chapter 13

"Kathryn Janeway, please report to the Bridge."

The comm. call pulled her out of her numb trance. She managed a small, awkward smile at Guinan and set the now almost empty coffee mug down on the table. Slowly, she made her way to the Bridge, nodding tiredly at the few crew members that she passed in the corridors on her way there.

Her mind was blank and there were still lingering tear stains on her cheeks, but she didn't care much for her appearance right now.

When the turbolift doors opened to let her out onto the Bridge, her eyes were drawn to the view screen. There, in the middle of the dark, black, star dotted expanse seen on the view screen, was a small distress beacon.

"What is it?" she asked, her eyes still fixed on the beacon.

"We came across it about an hour ago," said Tom. "It's the same type of distress beacon that the Delta Flyer was equipped with, and the only shuttles left of that kind are the Delta Flyer and the Sarajevo." Kathryn managed to finally tear her eyes away from the view screen to look at Tom. He stood below her on the Command Deck behind Picard, who looked surprisingly lost and uncomfortable in her presence - but she ignored it.

"Who has access to those shuttles?"

"Only the Voyager crew."

"We have reason to believe," said B'Elanna, who sat at the Engineering station at the back of the Bridge, "that the shuttle was travelling at Warp 6 when it went down. I talked to Harry, and he told me that the Sarajevo went missing shortly after we set out, and the only way that the shuttle could keep up with us and overtake us is by travelling at Warp 6."

"So . . . ?" she prompted.

"As you know, the Remans and the Romulans have demanded that only the Strafleet vessels with permission to participate in peace talks are allowed to enter Romulan/Reman space," said Picard. Kathryn nodded, confused. "Another condition that the Romulans insisted on is that all Starfleet vessels entering Romulan space must travel at Warp 3 or less, so that our path can be securely monitored by the Romulans."

"So, by Warp 6, whoever was in the shuttle pissed off the Romulans and got themselves a death wish?" she asked. Tom nodded. "Do we know what happened to the shuttle?"

The view on the view screen changed. "We believed that it suffered from a systems failure and went down on that planet."

"Is it possible that whoever was inside survived?" she demanded, dread starting to fill her heart.

"It's a class-M planet, so it could sustain life," said B'Elanna, tapping at her console. "However, the warp trail is starting to fail, and without the exact angle at which the shuttle entered the atmosphere, it isn't possible to answer that question."

Kathryn smiled to herself as she realised just how much B'Elanna sounded like Tuvok.

"Did Harry give us any idea as to who was on that shuttle?" she asked, not sure she wanted to know the answer.

"There was only one member of the crew that didn't know about the Warp 3 travel limit, and who couldn't be accounted for."

"Who?"

"Chakotay."

Time seemed to stop for Kathryn Janeway as sheer terror gripped her heart.


	14. Chapter 14

Picard watched as Kathryn Janeway paced across the Bridge. The news that her former first officer had not only tried to follow them to Remus but had been shot down in the process seemed to have hit her hard, harder than he ever would've thought. He turned to look at B'Elanna, who shrugged and turned back to her console.

Silently, he sighed, and sank into his chair, resting his head in his hand as he watched Kathryn Janeway pace across the Bridge in front of him

=/\=

"Spread out. That way we can cover as much as area as possible," said Tom. The rest of the Away Team nodded, and split off, each heading in a different direction. Tom blew out a breath and made his way forward through the rocky terrain.

He didn't know how long he'd been walking across the terrain for before his comm. badge chirped. He stopped and tapped his comm. badge.

"Paris here," he said.

"Sir," said a Lieutenant by the name of Randy Maiden, "I've found a shuttle. It's pretty smashed up, and it's going to be a struggle to get the door open, but I'm reading a faint human life sign inside."

"Thank you, Lieutenant, alert the Enterprise."

=/\=

"Captain, we have Commander Chakotay. He's being beamed to Sickbay for surgery now."

Kathryn's head snapped up and she stopped suddenly in the middle of the Bridge. Her eyes met B'Elanna's briefly before she turned on her heel and headed for the turbolift, chewing her lip as the turbolift headed for the medical bay.

As the doors opened to let her out, she shot down the corridor, dodging crew members as she shot past. As the doors opened to admit her, she stopped short, her heart leaping into her mouth as she saw Chakotay lying on an isolated biobed on the other side of Sickbay.

Tom appeared at her side and took her by the arm, guiding her to the biobed closest to Chakotay. She sat down, her hands gripping the edge of the biobed as she watched the Medical Team rush around the motionless body of her former first officer.


	15. Chapter 15

Chakotay stirred. His head hurt and his body ached, but he was alive, and from the low lighting, sterile smell and uncomfortable biobed he was lying on, he appeared to be in some kind of Medical Bay. Slowly, he pushed himself up into a sitting position and looked around. There was a nurse in the office, reading something on a PADD, the light being the only illumination in the Bay.

He looked around at the biobeds. Every single one of them was empty apart from his and the one closest to his. He swung his legs off the biobed and studied the figure curled up in restless, agitated sleep. It was Kathryn.

She lay on her side, facing him, her arms pressed against her chest and her legs curled up in in front of her stomach. He eyes darted around under her eyelids and her hair fell over her face. Her cheeks were red and tear-stained, her eyes puffy.

"Hey, old man," whispered B'Elanna. Chakotay jumped, surprised, and hurriedly managed to draw a smile for his oldest friend. She managed a faint smile, and joined him on the biobed.

"How's Miral?" he asked, letting his eyes wander back to Kathryn.

"Making trouble for everyone," said B'Elanna, following Chakotay's gaze. "I think she's teething, but I don't really know." They sat in silence for a while.

"She hates me, doesn't she?" Chakotay asked quietly. B'Elanna thought for a while.

"Not entirely . . . "

"B'El, please."

"I think she was more hurt than angry, Chakotay."


	16. Chapter 16

Kathryn stirred. How long she'd slept, she didn't know, but she'd slept better than she had in a long time, and it felt good. She stretched and pushed herself up into a sitting position, looking towards where Chakotay had been sleeping the night before.

But he wasn't there.

She looked around, panicked, but the fear faded when she saw him on the other side of Sickbay. He was walking unsteadily on his own two feet, leaning on B'Elanna for support. Relief filled her and she jumped off the biobed, running towards him like a little girl welcoming her father home from war. Chakotay staggered slightly as she crashed into him, but recovered quickly, and when B'Elanna let go of him, he leaned on Kathryn instead. He wrapped his arms around her, crushing her to him.

They stood there silently, just holding each other, before Kathryn pulled away.

And slapped him.

Chakotay looked at her, hurt and confused. Tears filled Kathryn's eyes.

"Don't ever, _ever_, do that to me again, Chakotay!" her bottom lip wobbled uncontrollably. Carefully, he reached out to cup her cheek, wiping away the few tears that had escaped. He nodded, and watched as she pulled away from him and ran from him, a sob escaping from her lips as she ran from Sickbay. She found her assigned quarters and threw herself onto the bed, burying her face into the pillow and crying until she had no tears left to cry.


	17. Chapter 17

_If you only knew_

_I'm hanging on by a thread_

_The web I spin for you_

_If you only knew_

_I'd sacrifice my beating_

_Heart before I lose you_

_I still hold onto the letters_

_You returned_

_I swear I've lived and learned_

_It's 4:03 and I can't sleep_

_Without you next to me I_

_Toss and turn like the sea_

_If I drown tonight, bring me_

_Back to life_

_Breathe your breath into me_

_The only thing I still believe_

_In is you, if you only knew_

_If you only knew_

_How many times I counted_

_All the words that went wrong_

_If you only knew_

_How I refuse to let you go_

_Even when you're gone_

_I don't regret any days I_

_Spent, any nights we shared_

_Or letters that I sent_

I saw her cry. I made her cry. She cried for me.

I scared her. I saw it in her eyes.

I thought I'd lost her. But she came back.

I open my eyes as I hear the doors to Sickbay open. Dr. Crusher wanted to keep me here until I was back to full health, and I have long since learned that doctors are almost as stubborn as Kathryn, so I obliged.

I watched the figure that came through the doors. It was Kathryn.

She was dressed in a nightgown that reached the middle of her thighs. She looked small as she approached, her arms wrapped protectively around her, like she was a small girl again, scared of the thunderstorms that she told me about.

I haven't seen her in days. I haven't seen her since she slapped me and ran away from me. I remember her tears, the tears she cried because of me. I watched her wander over to me, her blue-grey eyes shining in the darkness.

She slipped her hand into mine, and I squeezed it lightly. Wearily, she let her eyes meet mine, and I try a smile. I feel my heart explode when she tries to smile back. She looks like she hasn't slept in ages, and I know from B'Elanna that the peace talks began today, and I know from Tom that they were pretty rough.

I look into her eyes, and I see pain, sadness, betrayal, misery, tiredness, fear, panic, relief, a tiny flicker of love, a small ray of hope. I rub my thumb over her knuckles, and she squeezes my hand weakly before she pulls away and slides onto the bed next to mine. She rolls onto her side so that she can face me and I do the same.

"I was lonely," she whispered. "I was scared that you wouldn't be here when I woke up in the morning,"

"I'll always be here," I tell her, "I promise."

Her bottom lip trembles slightly. "Forever?"

"For as long as you'll have me." She smiles, and stretches out her hand to me. I take it, and watch as she drifts into sleep holding my hand.

_If you only knew_

_I still hod onto the letters_

_You returned_

_You help me live and learn_

**Lyrics: Shinedown - If You Only Knew**


	18. Chapter 18

I watched Kathryn Janeway come into Sickbay in her nightgown and join Commander Chakotay. From the office I could watch them clearly as she took his hand, as she lay down on the biobed, as they exchanged a few words, as they fell asleep holding each others hands.

B'Elanna made to tell me everything that she and the crew of the infamous Voyager had come to know about their Command Team once Chakotay was brought aboard. At first I had thought the idea stupid, idiotic, until I watched how Kathryn had woken and been almost overjoyed to see Chakotay, only to slap him and run away crying.

Their interactions could be described more like those of lovers that were currently at odds than those of close friends, and several of the stories that I have heard from Tom Paris about the adventures of Voyager in the Delta Quadrant would imply the same thing. But seeing them together myself, they seem . . . more like Will and Deanna, in their own way; two people who share a bond deeper than anything anyone will ever be able to understand, yet unable to bring themselves to share it a way that could only serve to help make it stronger.

I sigh, and watch the ex-Captain and her Commander sleeping peacefully in the isolated corner of Sickbay. With my thoughts turned towards Will and Deanna, an idea comes to me, and I turn to my computer console, hoping with all my heart that they won't mind a late night chat.

When a very tired Deanna answers the call, I smile and apologize quickly, before asking my first question.

"Dea, is it possible that there could be something similar to the Imzadi bond in humans?"

"I don't know. It might be, why?"


	19. Chapter 19

_Your words still serenade me_

_Your lullaby's, they won't let me sleep_

_I've never heard such a haunting melody_

_Oh, it's killing me_

_You know I can barely breathe_

_Just like the crow chasing a butterfly_

_Dandelions lost in the summer sky_

_When you and I were gettin' high as outer space_

_I never thought you would slip away_

_I guess, I was just a little too_ _late_

When Dr. Crusher felt it was okay to release Chakotay, there were two more days of peace treaty negotiations left. As Kathryn had been assigned the last available guest quarters, which were family sized, Chakotay ended up staying with her, which was more than a dream come true.

On the morning of the second to last day of peace treaty negotiations, he walked Kathryn to the Transporter Room and waved goodbye, before heading to the Observation Lounge, where Kathryn had taken the night before to meet Guinan, who she told him made great company.

He replicated a fresh cup of hot herbal tea before finding a seat near the view port from which he could see the surface of Remus. For what it was worth, the planet was pretty enough. It wasn't as extraordinary as some of the planets he had seen from orbit, but it wasn't as dull as others.

"Mind if I join you?" Chakotay jumped at the voice, and half-turned in his seat. When he saw Guinan stood behind him, he smiled and nodded, settling back into his seat to watch the surface of Remus turn below them. "Penny for your thoughts?" she asked.

"Just wandering what Kathryn's doing right now," he said absently.

"Do you worry about her?"

"Yes, all the time. I couldn't care less what happens to me, just as long as she's okay . . . "

"I'm sure she'll be fine, Chakotay."

"I know."

They sat there in silence, watching the surface of Remus turn below them.

"Tell me about Kathryn." Chakotay grinned.

"Where could I start? There's some much to tell about her . . . "

"Tell me about why you love her."

"Because in her own way, she's perfect. I like the way she smiles, the way she laughs, the way she talks to me when we're alone, the way she trusts me after all we've been through. How once she sets her heart on accomplishing something, she won't stop until she gets it. How she never breaks a promise unless she absolutely has too. The way she won't be beaten, how she won't back down in the face of adversity. She's everything I've always wanted.

"On Voyager, I couldn't sleep at night because I was worrying about her. She never let anyone share her burdens, never let anyone in to help her when she was in pain. It drove me crazy knowing that she was hurting and I couldn't do anything to help her. Sometimes I could take one look at her and know immediately what was wrong, and she could do that with me too.

"She always put others before herself. She always wanted everyone else to be happy, thought that she couldn't be happy if they weren't - that it wouldn't be right to be. But sometimes, it could be so infurinating, knowing that no matter how hard I tried to make her happy, she'd just push me away." He finished the last of his tea and set it down on the table, pulling his leg up onto the chair so that he could rest his chin on his knee. "That's probably how this whole mess started."

"Explain 'this mess' to me."

"I got frustrated. I've been in love with her for so long and I've always wanted what's best for her, but she never wanted to take what I had to give her. And then Quarra happened, and it felt like she was pushing me away. And it hurt. So when Seven asked me to help her explore the concept of dating, naturally I was flattered. And because I was hurting, I think I drew comfort from the fact that Seven was giving me what I had longed for from Kathryn, and I didn't really think about how it would affect Kathryn. I never meant to hurt her, but in a way, I kind of enjoyed seeing her suffer the way she had made me suffer. But I didn't realise how much she needed me until it was too late, I let it go too far . . . " his eyes filled with tears. He bit his lip to hold back a silent sob. Guinan leaned closer, resting her elbows on her knees, forcing him to look at her.

"Sometimes, when we love someone, no matter how hard we try not to, we hurt them. It's never our choice how the things we do affect others, and more often than not, those closest to our heart get hurt the most. We can't whether or not we cause someone pain, but if we truly love someone, we have to suffer for it."

Chakotay managed a small smile.

"Thank you for listening to me," he said.


	20. Chapter 20

Sitting in the Reman Conference Room, Kathryn struggled to keep her mind focused on what was going on in the room around her. After struggling for most of the morning, she gave up and let herself succumb to her thoughts and memories. The first day she had met Chakotay; talking, arguing; sharing dinner and wine, in their quarters, in the Mess Hall, on the Holodeck, on shore leave; going to celebrations and events together; feeling sheer terror and complete dread whenever he crashed a shuttle; the Away Mission when the shuttle had crashed and she had had to watch herself die over and over again.

A gentle hand came to a rest on her arm. She was pulled out of her confused trance. "Kathryn, are you okay?" asked Picard, concerned at Kathryn's deathly pale face and lack of response. She hesitated before responding, tempted to say that she was fine, but knew that right now, she was of no use to them. The negotiations had worn her thin, and her emotions were confused and all over the place.

"Actually no, I'm not feeling so great right now. Permission to return to the Enterprise."

"Granted." She managed a faint smile for the Reman and Romulan leaders and pushed back her chair, slipping out of the Conference Room before calling for a transport back to the Enterprise.

She materialised back on the Enterprise within a matter of seconds. She nodded to the Transporter Chief and slipped into the corridor, wrapping her arms around her as she headed for her quarters. When the doors opened to admit her, she found Chakotay sat on the sofa looking out of the view port at the stars.

Kathryn made her way to the sofa and sat down in front of Chakotay, folding her legs underneath her, their knees touching. She reached for his left hand and intertwined their fingers, enjoying the feeling of his skin against hers as she looked out at the stars too. His fingers filled the gaps between hers perfectly, and just being able to hold his hand in hers made warmth spread through her body.

"Kathryn," his voice was soft and gentle as it spilled over her name, but at the same time was filled with hope and uncertainty. She turned towards him, blue-grey eyes meeting deep chocolate brown. He bit his lip, hesitating before he carried on. "Would you . . . like to go out to lunch with me?" She smiled reassuringly at him, and took his other hand, interlacing their fingers and squeezing his hands.

"I would love to have lunch with you," she said softly, her eyes sparkling.


	21. Chapter 21

_Wrap me in a bolt of lightning_

_Send me on my way still smiling_

_Maybe that's the way I should go_

_Straight into the mouth of the unknown_

_Left the spare key on the table_

_Never really thought I'd be able to stay_

_I merely visit on the weekend_

_I lost my whole life and a dear friend_

_I've said it so many times_

_I would change my ways_

_No, never mind_

_God knows I've tried_

_Call me a sinner, call me a saint_

_Tell me it's over, I'll still love you the same_

_Call me your favourite, call me the worst_

_Tell me it's over, I don't want you to hurt_

_It's all that I can say, so I'll be on my way_

_I finally put it all together_

_But nothing really lasts forever_

_I had to make a choice that was not mine_

_I had to say goodbye for the last time_

_I kept my whole life in a suitcase_

_Never really stayed in one place_

_Maybe that's the way it should be_

_You know I've led my life like a gypsy_

_I'll always keep you inside_

_You healed my heart and my life_

_And you know I tried_

_Call me a sinner, call me a saint_

_Tell me it's over, I'll still love you the same_

_Call me your favourite, call me the worst_

_Tell me it's over, I don't want you to hurt_

_It's all that I can say, so I'll be on my way_

_So I'll be on my way, so I'll be on my way_

A peace treaty with the Remans and the Romulans signed, all notes written up into reports. Everyone onboard and heading back towards Federation space. A small party organised in the Observation Lounge for the night after the treaty was signed.

Kathryn smoothed the sky blue dress she'd chosen to wear for the party over her stomach. She reached for the hairbrush and pulled it through her hair one last time before she looked uncertainly at her reflection on last time before she ventured into the living area where Chakotay was waiting for her. When he simply stared at her, nervousness filled her stomach.

"Do I look okay?" she asked, twisting her hands together in front of her. A simple sky blue dress that fell to just below her knees, clung to her body in all the right places and with a modest neckline that showed only a little cleavage, simple, flat-soled sandals, a charm bracelet on her wrist, a small locket resting against the skin of her chest just above the neck of her dress, small touch of make up, auburn hair hanging loose over her shoulders and down her back. Chakotay's mouth opened and closed for a minute before he managed to say anything.

"Wow," he said. "You . . . you look beautiful, Kathryn." The fear swelling inside her evapourated just as quickly as it had appeared and she smiled bravely at him.

"You don't look so bad yourself," she said, looking him up and down. He was wearing a plain white shirt and black pants, and easy, comfortable shoes. Chakotay offered her his hand.

"Ready to go, m'lady?" he asked.


	22. Chapter 22

Tom smiled as he saw Kathryn and Chakotay slip unnoticed into the Observation Lounge, The party had been in full swing for a good five minutes after a round of speeches, and the music was happy and upbeat. He watched as Chakotay pulled Kathryn through the crowds to the buffet table and handed her a glass of champagne before picking up a glass for himself.

"B'El, look," he whispered in his wife's ear, and pointed towards Kathryn and Chakotay. They stood face to face in a dark corner, champagne glasses sitting on the nearest table, foreheads pressed together, hands interlaced. Chakotay hadn't lost contact with her since they'd entered.

"There's hope for them yet, isn't there?" she whispered. Tom smiled and dropped his face so that he could rest his forehead against hers.

"I hope so. They deserve to be happy. Especially after all they've given us."

=/\=

"I spoke with Deanna a few days ago," murmured Beverly.

"Oh?" asked Guinan.

"I saw Kathryn come to Sickbay the night of the first day of peace treaty negotiations in a nightgown. She walked straight over to Chakotay, talked to him, and then fell asleep on the biobed next to him, holding his hand. Both slept probably better than ever like that, and I wanted to know if Dea knew anything about a bond between humans that might be similar to the one she shares Will."

"And . . . ?" the dark-skinned bartender prompted.

"She told me about a theory that a few of the professors at the University of Psychology on Betazed are looking into. The theory is that in select human couples, a bond similar to that of the Imzadi bond but without the telepathy may develop before the concept of a romantic relationship becomes either a possibility or a conscious desire.

"I know from speaking to a few of the old Voyager crew that aside from Tuvok, Kathryn was closest to Chakotay while on Voyager, and while many of the crew believed them to be involved, the Senior Crew said that she wouldn't become involved with a member of her crew while they were in the Delta Quadrant. They also said that the reasons she gave were that it was frowned upon by Command and that if she became involved, she wouldn't have been able to keep the Maquis and Equinox parts of her crew out of prison should Starfleet still want to put them in prison."

Guinan looked towards Tom Paris and his wife B'Elanna. Tom nodded towards the corner closest to Guinan and Beverly. The couple in question stood there silently, oblivious to the rest of the room. Beverly leaned across the bar, closer to Guinan.

"Play a slow song. If we can get them out on the dance floor, maybe we can help them fix this."


	23. Chapter 23

The mood of the party changed. The music slowed and changed, going from loud, fast and upbeat, to slower, quieter, with a piano playing softly in the background. The change in music and atmosphere broke through into Kathryn and Chakotay's consciousness.

"Dance with me?"

"Always," Kathryn let Chakotay pull her out onto the dance floor. His arms slipped around her waist and she leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head against his chest, listening to his heart beating against her cheek. She closed her eyes, letting the feel of his arms around her, his smell, his heartbeat beneath her cheek, lull her into a comfortable trance.

As a second slow song started, Chakotay leaned in closer. "I'm sorry, Kathryn," he whispered, "I broke my promise."

"It's okay," she breathed.

"No, it isn't. I hurt you, and I promised that I'd always make sure that you came first."

"Mmm. There's not much left to say. I hurt you too. I was scared, scared of losing you, of losing myself in you . . . "

"It's okay, everything's going to be okay now . . . " Chakotay murmured, more to reassure himself than Kathryn.

"Yes," she whispered, and tilted her head closer to his. As the last few chords of the song slowed and started to fade, their lips met.

The world around them faded into the background as they sank into the slow, sweet, simple, innocent kiss. When the need for air forced them apart, they found the room filled with cheering. Unable to separate themselved from each others embrace, Chakotay pressed his forehead to Kathryn's, their eyes glittering as she giggled.

"Apparently, Tom wants to be assigned a date with some dirty carpets on the lower decks and a toothbrush, don't you think?" giggled Kathryn. Chakotay smiled, and kissed her again.

"I'm sure we can find something more appropriate for him."


	24. Chapter 24

"B'Elanna, am I doing the right thing?" Kathryn asked. staring at herself in the mirror.

"Yes, you are," said B'Elanna, for what felt like the millionth time that morning.

"I'm sorry, B'El," she said, sensing the other women's frustration. "I'm just . . . "

"Terrified? Nervous? Panicking?"

"Yes, yes, and yes." B'Elanna smiled, and finished tying up the back of Kathryn's dress.

"Don't worry, Kathryn, you'll be fine. I've been there, done that, take it from an expert."

"Yeah, but you weren't _pregnant_ when you got married," Kathryn retorted, running her hands over her stomach. B'Elanna took Kathryn by the shoulders and turned the older woman around to face her so that she could look her in the eye.

"Kathryn. Listen to me. You will be fine. Everything will go perfectly. Nothing will go wrong. Everything has been double-checked, triple-checked, quadrupled-checked. It will be fine. Are we clear?" Kathryn nodded, chewing her lip nervously. "Now come here, and we can finish your make-up."


	25. Chapter 25

Chakotay looked down at the small figure lying in the crib, sleeping calmly while wrapped in a blanket. He touched his little finger to one of the little boy's closed fists, and watched in amazement as the small fist opened and closed again around his finger.

"He looks like you," said Kathryn as she stepped up to the crib by his side. He slid his free arm around her waist, and she leaned into him.

"He has your eyes though." She smiled tiredly, and squeezed the hand settled at her waist.

"Come back to bed, Chakotay. You know I can't sleep without you."

"Okay, I'll be right there," she nodded, and wandered back their bedroom. He rubbed a finger gently over his son's knuckles, and leaned in to place a goodnight kiss on the little boy's forehead before he returned to his wife. As he slid under the covers behind her, she rolled over and into his embrace, settling with her head on his shoulder.

"Love you," she murmured. He smiled, and placed a kiss on her forehead.

"Love you too."

**The End**


End file.
